I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
don't judge my taste in strippers
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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