I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
