I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i drank out of a bidet.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
