capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
