At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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