So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
