Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
