you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
