Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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