Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
