i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
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He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
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She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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