youre lurking in front of me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
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And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
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I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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