Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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