the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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