hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
