Whats the glycemic index on semen?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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