so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
