Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
