Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
