They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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