weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
