I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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