I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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