I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
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