NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
