he told me I talked like a deaf person
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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