I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
