dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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