All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
