Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
