I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
