An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
