I wish I could punch you in the face.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
