I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
