bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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