Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
