a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Mom said you looked used
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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