I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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