i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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