Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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