Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
