also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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