i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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