I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
