By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
