did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
