pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
