Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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