Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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