So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My dick has a subreddit
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
