Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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