I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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