cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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