If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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