Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have surprise drugs for everyone
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
