i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Randomize
