I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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