I wish I could punch you in the face.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
