I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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