Say something about gay babies.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
