at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
